I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
