I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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