I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
