i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
