I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
