clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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