He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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