Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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