Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
