had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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