How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
