Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
