hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
