I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
