Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Randomize
