Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
