I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
