Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
