I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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