i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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