"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
