i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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