she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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