They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
