I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
