he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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