He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just had sex on a roof
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
