How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
