Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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