that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
