just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
