I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can feel your judgement through the phone
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
