I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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