the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
