I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
