do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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