Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
