I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
