Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
