FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
