im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I FOUND THE LEGS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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