I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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