i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
