I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
