Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
