You work out of a Hotel?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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