I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
