I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
