from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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