I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
